Am I angry?

Angry

Sometimes its easier to just vent how you feel. I wish that I could. I’m a friendly person but sometimes get so angry with the people that I work with. Beyond them, I’m angry at my parents, society, consumerism. I’m even angry about people that are angry. I’m completely inconsistent.

I think that its best to find ways to deal with your anger in ways that don’t affect other people negatively. Sometimes diffusing the anger can be as easy as a civil discussion, sometimes it needs to be done through playing computer games or reading a book. Yes, I know that’s essentially escapism, but at least no one is getting hurt right?

I find that if I give room to the anger and let it grow within me it becomes and untameable beast that will ultimately lead to my destruction.

I think that anger itself isn’t bad, it depends on how you deal with or express it.

Feeling blank

Blank

So often I know what I should feel, but don’t actually feel it. I was speaking to a friend the other day who had an extremely tough child hood and they said that they feel nothing for their family and friends. I was thinking about this and I think that in some way I agree with them. I also feel blank. It could be the meds dulling my senses, but I don’t think so. I think that its actually a self protective mechanism. I think my problem is that I feel too much, I get so emotionally engaged in things. Things that I feel are safe.

When it comes to difficult things, I don’t allow myself to feel anything. I allow and caution myself to feel blank.

The blankness that I mean is a complete detachment from feeling. If I heard that my mother and father died in a car accident, I think that I’d feel something, but more because I know that’s what is normal, rather than because of how it actually would evoke emotion in me.

I make friends, but don’t miss them.

I make memories, don’t reminisce.

I feign care, but in reality… I feel blank.

Walking in their shoes

I don’t understand my boss. Outwardly they are really happy, they seem to care about all who come into contact with them. Yet, whenever I see them in meetings they are critical beyond being constructive. They constantly ask about why I’m being defensive, yet its all I can do in response to their aggression.

I think some people just enjoy making people below them feel like crap. I would never do that, so it’s difficult to understand why they do it. Because I struggle with co-dependancy I think that one of my goals is wanting everyone to be my friend. Yes, I know thats a problem.

I just struggle when I come into contact with people who are so brazen in their critical attitude of others. While riding home the other day I had a weird thought about this situation. Is it not possible that, like me, they have insecurities too? That for them to feel good about themselves, they need to keep putting other people down? Morally, I think they’re wrong, but in their minds they probably don’t have a problem with it.

Instead of getting them to change, surely I should just deal with my own issues and not allow them to affect me the way that they have been? Instead of allowing them to ruin my evenings and weekends, surely I should just work as hard as is possible and just avoid conflict with them?

Therapy

Today I feel angry. Last night I went to my father’s 5 year NA share. He’s been clean for 5 years. While I should feel happy for him, I feel indifferent. At most I feel angry. Almost everyone in the hall knew him and thanked him for his input in their lives.

I know that I should be strong, that I should appreciate that he’s a changed person. That he isn’t the same person I saw holding my mother up against the wall and strangling her. That he wasn’t the same person who I saw get thrown into a police van. I need to give him a second chance. If I was in his position, that’s what I’d want me to do.

I can’t help it though, I just feel angry. I feel angry because I feel abandoned. Surely my parent’s should have cared more about me. I’ve gone through life feeling abandoned.

I feel quite selfish in writing this blog all about my struggles, but it’s amazingly therapeutic. To you, whomever is reading this. Thank you. Thank you for being willing to hear me out.

I’m so strong for others, that I feel that this is one of the only safe places that I can explain myself and show what I’m really thinking. I am a strong and likeable person, I just get so overwhelmed with having to put a strong face on for most of the people that I know.

This past week, after explaining myself to a friend, they said that I need to go for counselling. It made me angry, I agree with them. I should probably go and talk through my stuff with someone, but that they’d just suggest that made me angry. They’ve never really made the time to listen to me, instead of being a friend and hearing me out, they pointed me to someone else who would listen.

Attempt #1

I see you, do you see me?

I’ve been trying to get your attention all day.

I need you to know me, and I need to know you

But I close the curtain and let you see what I choose.

 

My greatest fear is isolation,

Yet, its this fear that I’m causing by hiding.

I’ve opened myself up to others,

and have been hurt.

Should I let those who hurt me dictate who I should trust?

 

I know that I’m not alone,

But it doesn’t stop me from feeling it.

I feel like the colour orange in a monochrome image,

It’s beautiful, but doesn’t fit in.

 

I’m angry too,

At the past, at those who hurt me, and myself.

I want to let go and move on,

But I seem to get more stuck, the more I attempt to get free.

 

Why does life have to be like this?

Will I end up stronger?

Is it worth enduring?

 

 

Do you even know me?

I don’t think that anyone does. I barely know myself. It’s difficult to explain what I feel. I’m a positive person by nature, and so many times I down play my depression. The problem is that it affects my partner. Outwardly, I seem fine to all my peers at work. Many of them confide in me because of how ‘positive’ I am.

The reality is that they only know Jekyll, whilst I live Mr Hyde.

I feel like I need to pretend. If I want to be accepted, I need to be Jekyll not Hyde. I want to be a nice person, I desire to help others and outwardly I do much of the time. In my thoughts though, I’m spiteful, vengeful and vindictive. I feel so misunderstood. I’m to blame, I know. I’m only showing everyone one side of who I am. How could I expect them to know anything else?

I think I’m too afraid to let them know who I really am. Am I, who I think I am? Who am I even? The person everyone sees? Or the person looking at everyone?

How could I expect you to know me, if I don’t even know myself?

She told me that she probably has cancer

Over the past few weeks I’ve done various of those online personality tests. A few weeks back I started with the innocent, “Am I bipolar”. I’ve done the test before with a doctor and the answer was a resounding ‘No’. But I needed to do it again, maybe there was something the doctor missed out on. I’ve been on meds for a few years now, surely my mood swings would have cleared up?

A few days ago I took this to a whole next level, I searched, “Am I a sociopath”. I think its because I feel to a large degree that I resonate with the character Dexter Morgan. I feel like I spend much of my life pretending to be normal, Dexter said it perfectly, “Sometimes it’s reassuring to know that I am not the only one pretending to be normal.”

”Sometimes it’s reassuring to know that I am not the only one pretending to be normal.”- Dexter

Dexter had something dark inside of him, something that he had to hide. I feel the same. Where he contemplated violent murder, I contemplate absolute darkness. Darkness that I cannot show, darkness turned internal.

My mother phoned me today and told me that she probably has cancer. To those who know, I pretended like it hurt me, I pretended to respond like a normal person would. Inside, I feel absolutely nothing. To take it to the next level, had someone phoned me and said that she had died, I would have felt absolutely nothing.

Surely there’s something wrong there? My mother told me that she probably has cancer, and I (her child) felt absolutely nothing. Sure, she has hurt me tremendously (I’ll get to that in another post) but surely I should feel something? Yes, it could be a protection mechanism, it most probably is.

The truth is that I feel like this about many things. There aren’t many things which cause me to feel anything.

I guess that’s the reason why I’m writing this all out. Is so that I can communicate how I actually feel about it all.