Today I feel angry. Last night I went to my father’s 5 year NA share. He’s been clean for 5 years. While I should feel happy for him, I feel indifferent. At most I feel angry. Almost everyone in the hall knew him and thanked him for his input in their lives.
I know that I should be strong, that I should appreciate that he’s a changed person. That he isn’t the same person I saw holding my mother up against the wall and strangling her. That he wasn’t the same person who I saw get thrown into a police van. I need to give him a second chance. If I was in his position, that’s what I’d want me to do.
I can’t help it though, I just feel angry. I feel angry because I feel abandoned. Surely my parent’s should have cared more about me. I’ve gone through life feeling abandoned.
I feel quite selfish in writing this blog all about my struggles, but it’s amazingly therapeutic. To you, whomever is reading this. Thank you. Thank you for being willing to hear me out.
I’m so strong for others, that I feel that this is one of the only safe places that I can explain myself and show what I’m really thinking. I am a strong and likeable person, I just get so overwhelmed with having to put a strong face on for most of the people that I know.
This past week, after explaining myself to a friend, they said that I need to go for counselling. It made me angry, I agree with them. I should probably go and talk through my stuff with someone, but that they’d just suggest that made me angry. They’ve never really made the time to listen to me, instead of being a friend and hearing me out, they pointed me to someone else who would listen.