Am I angry?

Angry

Sometimes its easier to just vent how you feel. I wish that I could. I’m a friendly person but sometimes get so angry with the people that I work with. Beyond them, I’m angry at my parents, society, consumerism. I’m even angry about people that are angry. I’m completely inconsistent.

I think that its best to find ways to deal with your anger in ways that don’t affect other people negatively. Sometimes diffusing the anger can be as easy as a civil discussion, sometimes it needs to be done through playing computer games or reading a book. Yes, I know that’s essentially escapism, but at least no one is getting hurt right?

I find that if I give room to the anger and let it grow within me it becomes and untameable beast that will ultimately lead to my destruction.

I think that anger itself isn’t bad, it depends on how you deal with or express it.

Feeling blank

Blank

So often I know what I should feel, but don’t actually feel it. I was speaking to a friend the other day who had an extremely tough child hood and they said that they feel nothing for their family and friends. I was thinking about this and I think that in some way I agree with them. I also feel blank. It could be the meds dulling my senses, but I don’t think so. I think that its actually a self protective mechanism. I think my problem is that I feel too much, I get so emotionally engaged in things. Things that I feel are safe.

When it comes to difficult things, I don’t allow myself to feel anything. I allow and caution myself to feel blank.

The blankness that I mean is a complete detachment from feeling. If I heard that my mother and father died in a car accident, I think that I’d feel something, but more because I know that’s what is normal, rather than because of how it actually would evoke emotion in me.

I make friends, but don’t miss them.

I make memories, don’t reminisce.

I feign care, but in reality… I feel blank.