Walking in their shoes

I don’t understand my boss. Outwardly they are really happy, they seem to care about all who come into contact with them. Yet, whenever I see them in meetings they are critical beyond being constructive. They constantly ask about why I’m being defensive, yet its all I can do in response to their aggression.

I think some people just enjoy making people below them feel like crap. I would never do that, so it’s difficult to understand why they do it. Because I struggle with co-dependancy I think that one of my goals is wanting everyone to be my friend. Yes, I know thats a problem.

I just struggle when I come into contact with people who are so brazen in their critical attitude of others. While riding home the other day I had a weird thought about this situation. Is it not possible that, like me, they have insecurities too? That for them to feel good about themselves, they need to keep putting other people down? Morally, I think they’re wrong, but in their minds they probably don’t have a problem with it.

Instead of getting them to change, surely I should just deal with my own issues and not allow them to affect me the way that they have been? Instead of allowing them to ruin my evenings and weekends, surely I should just work as hard as is possible and just avoid conflict with them?

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Therapy

Today I feel angry. Last night I went to my father’s 5 year NA share. He’s been clean for 5 years. While I should feel happy for him, I feel indifferent. At most I feel angry. Almost everyone in the hall knew him and thanked him for his input in their lives.

I know that I should be strong, that I should appreciate that he’s a changed person. That he isn’t the same person I saw holding my mother up against the wall and strangling her. That he wasn’t the same person who I saw get thrown into a police van. I need to give him a second chance. If I was in his position, that’s what I’d want me to do.

I can’t help it though, I just feel angry. I feel angry because I feel abandoned. Surely my parent’s should have cared more about me. I’ve gone through life feeling abandoned.

I feel quite selfish in writing this blog all about my struggles, but it’s amazingly therapeutic. To you, whomever is reading this. Thank you. Thank you for being willing to hear me out.

I’m so strong for others, that I feel that this is one of the only safe places that I can explain myself and show what I’m really thinking. I am a strong and likeable person, I just get so overwhelmed with having to put a strong face on for most of the people that I know.

This past week, after explaining myself to a friend, they said that I need to go for counselling. It made me angry, I agree with them. I should probably go and talk through my stuff with someone, but that they’d just suggest that made me angry. They’ve never really made the time to listen to me, instead of being a friend and hearing me out, they pointed me to someone else who would listen.