Am I angry?

Angry

Sometimes its easier to just vent how you feel. I wish that I could. I’m a friendly person but sometimes get so angry with the people that I work with. Beyond them, I’m angry at my parents, society, consumerism. I’m even angry about people that are angry. I’m completely inconsistent.

I think that its best to find ways to deal with your anger in ways that don’t affect other people negatively. Sometimes diffusing the anger can be as easy as a civil discussion, sometimes it needs to be done through playing computer games or reading a book. Yes, I know that’s essentially escapism, but at least no one is getting hurt right?

I find that if I give room to the anger and let it grow within me it becomes and untameable beast that will ultimately lead to my destruction.

I think that anger itself isn’t bad, it depends on how you deal with or express it.

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Feeling blank

Blank

So often I know what I should feel, but don’t actually feel it. I was speaking to a friend the other day who had an extremely tough child hood and they said that they feel nothing for their family and friends. I was thinking about this and I think that in some way I agree with them. I also feel blank. It could be the meds dulling my senses, but I don’t think so. I think that its actually a self protective mechanism. I think my problem is that I feel too much, I get so emotionally engaged in things. Things that I feel are safe.

When it comes to difficult things, I don’t allow myself to feel anything. I allow and caution myself to feel blank.

The blankness that I mean is a complete detachment from feeling. If I heard that my mother and father died in a car accident, I think that I’d feel something, but more because I know that’s what is normal, rather than because of how it actually would evoke emotion in me.

I make friends, but don’t miss them.

I make memories, don’t reminisce.

I feign care, but in reality… I feel blank.

Walking in their shoes

I don’t understand my boss. Outwardly they are really happy, they seem to care about all who come into contact with them. Yet, whenever I see them in meetings they are critical beyond being constructive. They constantly ask about why I’m being defensive, yet its all I can do in response to their aggression.

I think some people just enjoy making people below them feel like crap. I would never do that, so it’s difficult to understand why they do it. Because I struggle with co-dependancy I think that one of my goals is wanting everyone to be my friend. Yes, I know thats a problem.

I just struggle when I come into contact with people who are so brazen in their critical attitude of others. While riding home the other day I had a weird thought about this situation. Is it not possible that, like me, they have insecurities too? That for them to feel good about themselves, they need to keep putting other people down? Morally, I think they’re wrong, but in their minds they probably don’t have a problem with it.

Instead of getting them to change, surely I should just deal with my own issues and not allow them to affect me the way that they have been? Instead of allowing them to ruin my evenings and weekends, surely I should just work as hard as is possible and just avoid conflict with them?

She told me that she probably has cancer

Over the past few weeks I’ve done various of those online personality tests. A few weeks back I started with the innocent, “Am I bipolar”. I’ve done the test before with a doctor and the answer was a resounding ‘No’. But I needed to do it again, maybe there was something the doctor missed out on. I’ve been on meds for a few years now, surely my mood swings would have cleared up?

A few days ago I took this to a whole next level, I searched, “Am I a sociopath”. I think its because I feel to a large degree that I resonate with the character Dexter Morgan. I feel like I spend much of my life pretending to be normal, Dexter said it perfectly, “Sometimes it’s reassuring to know that I am not the only one pretending to be normal.”

”Sometimes it’s reassuring to know that I am not the only one pretending to be normal.”- Dexter

Dexter had something dark inside of him, something that he had to hide. I feel the same. Where he contemplated violent murder, I contemplate absolute darkness. Darkness that I cannot show, darkness turned internal.

My mother phoned me today and told me that she probably has cancer. To those who know, I pretended like it hurt me, I pretended to respond like a normal person would. Inside, I feel absolutely nothing. To take it to the next level, had someone phoned me and said that she had died, I would have felt absolutely nothing.

Surely there’s something wrong there? My mother told me that she probably has cancer, and I (her child) felt absolutely nothing. Sure, she has hurt me tremendously (I’ll get to that in another post) but surely I should feel something? Yes, it could be a protection mechanism, it most probably is.

The truth is that I feel like this about many things. There aren’t many things which cause me to feel anything.

I guess that’s the reason why I’m writing this all out. Is so that I can communicate how I actually feel about it all.

I’m going to be completely honest

I’ve started writing for blogs many times. This post is usually the most difficult.

I’m not a great writer, I’d much rather sit with you and have some coffee. But I have a feeling that through you reading what I’m writing, some healing may occur. Yes, we’ll laugh at the times that we both know that I’ve done crazy things. Things that, at the time seemed completely normal for me.

What I promise is that I’ll be completely honest. I won’t cover up and pretend that I’ve been completely cool, when I haven’t. I struggle with depression, so I have some great times and some really low times. Something I guess you can relate to, seeing that you started reading this blog.

I’m also quite an extraverted hopeful person, this could be because of co-dependancy issues, or it could be that it’s who I really am.

I want to write about this journey that I’ve had and am currently going through, as a record that might help. I remember John Watson’s psychologist in ‘Sherlock’ recommending that he start a blog so that he could write about his feelings, and I must admit, that I’ve been largely inspired by that.

The name of the blog, hopeful hopelessness is something that I think that characterises me on the good days, it’s something that I strive towards. When the depression over takes me, I would love to still have an element of hope in me. Sometimes I do, sometimes clearly not. But it’s something that I want to achieve. It’s also something that I think will be helpful for all who might ever read this blog.

Many times I pretend to be okay, because I need to. My job requires that I’m positive, if I stop being positive, then I’ll most likely lose my job.

You can contact me via this blog and I promise to respond, but for the time being I feel like I need to be able to write with absolute transparency things that might jeopardise my career, thoughts I’ve felt about my co-workers and so I’m going to need to keep myself safe.