So often I know what I should feel, but don’t actually feel it. I was speaking to a friend the other day who had an extremely tough child hood and they said that they feel nothing for their family and friends. I was thinking about this and I think that in some way I agree with them. I also feel blank. It could be the meds dulling my senses, but I don’t think so. I think that its actually a self protective mechanism. I think my problem is that I feel too much, I get so emotionally engaged in things. Things that I feel are safe.
When it comes to difficult things, I don’t allow myself to feel anything. I allow and caution myself to feel blank.
The blankness that I mean is a complete detachment from feeling. If I heard that my mother and father died in a car accident, I think that I’d feel something, but more because I know that’s what is normal, rather than because of how it actually would evoke emotion in me.
I make friends, but don’t miss them.
I make memories, don’t reminisce.
I feign care, but in reality… I feel blank.