Over the past few weeks I’ve done various of those online personality tests. A few weeks back I started with the innocent, “Am I bipolar”. I’ve done the test before with a doctor and the answer was a resounding ‘No’. But I needed to do it again, maybe there was something the doctor missed out on. I’ve been on meds for a few years now, surely my mood swings would have cleared up?
A few days ago I took this to a whole next level, I searched, “Am I a sociopath”. I think its because I feel to a large degree that I resonate with the character Dexter Morgan. I feel like I spend much of my life pretending to be normal, Dexter said it perfectly, “Sometimes it’s reassuring to know that I am not the only one pretending to be normal.”
”Sometimes it’s reassuring to know that I am not the only one pretending to be normal.”- Dexter
Dexter had something dark inside of him, something that he had to hide. I feel the same. Where he contemplated violent murder, I contemplate absolute darkness. Darkness that I cannot show, darkness turned internal.
My mother phoned me today and told me that she probably has cancer. To those who know, I pretended like it hurt me, I pretended to respond like a normal person would. Inside, I feel absolutely nothing. To take it to the next level, had someone phoned me and said that she had died, I would have felt absolutely nothing.
Surely there’s something wrong there? My mother told me that she probably has cancer, and I (her child) felt absolutely nothing. Sure, she has hurt me tremendously (I’ll get to that in another post) but surely I should feel something? Yes, it could be a protection mechanism, it most probably is.
The truth is that I feel like this about many things. There aren’t many things which cause me to feel anything.
I guess that’s the reason why I’m writing this all out. Is so that I can communicate how I actually feel about it all.